Is this guy about 54 years old and was he previously married to three immigrants despite heading up Britain’s best known anti-immigration party?
A: Why yes
B: No
C: He promised he’d change
When leaving his former partner did he:
A: Dump her and her two small children on Christmas Eve and then fly back to be with you
B: Take time to be with her and discuss where their relationship was at before parting on mutually agreed terms
C: Wait until she found out about it in the papers
It’s Christmas – you’ve just started a relationship – does he:
A: Buy you an Iphone and an Apple MacBook – sure it’s really unimaginative but you had a Samsung and an Amazon tablet and wanted an upgrade
B: Whisk you away to Rome
C: Go down the pub
When asked to choose between you and his job does he pick:
A: Job obviously – but he said we could still have sex as long as nobody found out
B: Me
C: He’s not shown me much interest since we got married to be honest
How do his friends or colleagues behave around you:
A: They welcomed me into the UKIP family and agreed with everything I said, right up until the bit when journalists read my twitter feed at which point they dropped me like a hot potato
B: Normally
C: They sing the Dambusters theme and quote lines from ‘Allo ‘Allo
On meeting your parents does he:
A: Call your father ‘son’ and ask whether he has left school yet
B: Politely greet them and ask them thoughtful questions before proffering a big bouquet of flowers and a bottle of something interesting
C: He’s never been with me to Germany
Does he put his poor performance in bed down to ‘the inflated Overseas Aid Budget’ intimidating him:
A: Well isn’t it?
B: Don’t be puerile
C: Bed?
Are you jealous of Meghan Markel because she’s everything you would like to be and has everything you want – including a Prince – while you’re stuck with an odd little man who looks like a cartoon:
A: Her seed. Her – seed……
B: No I’m an ordinary well-adjusted human being
C: No that would be Nigel
Mostly A: You’re Jo Marney – and for all your unpalatable views – you’re better off without your love-rat boyfriend Henry Bolton
Mostly B: Congratulations – you’re sane and your partner is possibly a bit dull – but undoubtedly a keeper
Mostly C: Mrs Farage – you have our deepest sympathy
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