The Brexit Party Manifesto (sort of)

The Brexit party is leading the polls in the upcoming EU elections – but they don’t have a manifesto. So we’ve written one for them:

Brexit:

Leaving the EU is the easiest thing in the world. We simply leave and go on to WTO rules. Remoaning naysayers like Nick Clegg insist that a ‘great power’ like the UK can’t do that because we will wreck the economy, make ourselves an international pariah and be forced to live off tinned spam. To which we say “Yum!” And anyway – we won’t be eating spam. You will.

brexit spam
Yummy

WTO rules:

East Timor, Somalia and Western Sahara all trade solely under WTO rules and do absolutely fine. Nobody questions their ability to export sandalwood, hides and second hand AK47s into emerging markets. While Britain is obliged to engage with the EU, the biggest market in the world, on the most favourable terms of any country on Earth, Somalia is enjoying robust trade with Djibouti and parts of war torn Eritrea. Enough is enough frankly. We are leaving and we are going to take a slice of that trade with Djibouti whether Angela Merkel likes it or not.

Fishing:

The UK fishing industry contributes less GDP to our economy than Harrods and employs fewer people than Poundsaver so it is quite right that we sacrifice every other industry in the UK to ensure that a few fishermen can drive stocks to extinction. The reason is simple. Nigel likes fishing. It’s his hobby and moreover his favourite book as a child was ‘the ladybird book of fishermen’. Then there’s Jane Mummery, one of our prospective MEPs. Jane is managing director of Lowestoft fishing auctions and more fish means more business for her. Why should the UK have an automotive and aeronautical sector when Jane can’t make more money?

fisherman
Nigel’s favourite book

Sex education in schools:

A life sized inflatable of Ann Widdecombe, looking angry, to be placed in every classroom with a balloon coming out of her mouth saying “Stop that revolting nonsense right now!”

The NHS:

As our MEP candidate Annunziata Rees-Mogg puts it: “Nobody I know uses the NHS. If we can afford private healthcare on top of the school fees, servants’ wages, repairs on the roofs of our stately homes and all those skiing trips and safaris – then why can’t ordinary people who send their children to secondary moderns?”

5G network and superfast broadband:

Nigel doesn’t use the internet – he says: “Let’s shut this wasteful project down and return to the penny post instead.”

Immigration:

Immigration will be limited to the many foreign born girlfriends and wives of our leaders and financial backers. Evidence if ever it were needed that immigrants take on the very nastiest jobs that nobody else is prepared to do.

Defence:

The greatest risk facing this country comes not from Russia or an expansionist China – but the threat posed by the Belgian navy. They’ve been quiet far too long and as Richard Tice says: “those mussel guzzling ersatz Frenchmen are probably up to something”. For every ship the Belgian navy builds we intend to build two. The rest of it will be plagiarized from the letters page of Richard Tice’s favourite comic.

warlord
Defence policy

Homelessness:

Annunziata again: “Homelessness is a choice. If one has left university and can’t afford rents in Mayfair one should jolly well go home and slum it in one’s parents’ spare wing!”

Foreign Policy

Britain’s historic role has been to suck up to the United States of America. Why should we be leading the EU when we can be told what to do by Donald Trump? ‘The Donald’ as Nigel affectionately calls him – has promised us that we can have whatever trade deal America decides to give us, on terms dictated by them, at any time they so choose. If that’s not enough to get Nigel a job on the Fox Network then we really don’t know what is.

We want your suggestions:

Please add any further ideas in the comments below.

OBVIOUSLY SATIRE. No threatening emails please.

25 thoughts on “The Brexit Party Manifesto (sort of)

  1. Employment
    Post NHS sell off, we will make it easy to dismiss employees who fall ill and don’t have medical insurance.

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  2. The Police. We’ll establish a network of Bobbies fit for purpose- Bobby Ball, Bobby Charlton, Bobby Crush, Bobby Davro and Bobby Carolgees (as he’s known to his friends).

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    1. Re-settlement of remainers/ongoing EU citizens:

      All non-democrat remainers shall be forced to keep their EU citizenry and shall be expedited under a programme called ‘subjects treacherous of the nation state notion’ to the European Union and its auspices.

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  3. Northern Ireland/Republic of Ireland.

    In Northern Ireland we are completely cross community, enjoying the ultra-British rhetoric of loyalists who think the UK is better off with the British taking back control, while being equally sympathetic to Irish nationalists who only want freedom from a foreign oppressor in Britain the way us Brits want freedom from the EU.

    We only oppose the wishes of the majority of people there to remain in the EU, have an open border, which we will never build but still totally want if anyone else could do it.

    Northern Ireland is not a part of the United Kingdom but is still a part of Britain, while the Republic of Ireland remains in European Union and the British Isles because of the unelected puppet Eurocrat Mr Faradcar refusing to respect the referendum his country didn’t have a vote in.

    There has been a common travel area for decades before the EU, and that will be maintained. Our alternative arrangements is to microbead the entire Irish population and the non-British migrants living there and use speed cameras and toll gates to manage our tariffs. No infrastructure at the border, just checkpoints, and toll gates, and microbead scanners, and police stations, and customs facilities, and veterenary checkpoints, and migration centres and concentration camps … but otherwise no infrastructure at the border.

    We will also support full Irish independence from the European Union, so long as it means it is completely dependent on Brexit Britain. We will support Irish democracy and freedom so long as it votes for what we want. We will also support our fellow Brits in Northern Ireland so long as they stop stiffling Brexit with their demands Britain becomes more like them.

    We will use the threat of beef sanctions and war to make plucky Ireland know their place, but also insist they take our side with the US and EU while simultaneously leaving the EU and not lobbying the US Congress for its own interests against us.

    We oppose the Irish backstop, but we don’t know what it is.

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  4. Mental Health
    What a load of pish. The British Empire wasn’t founded on this nonsense but cold showers and good hard fagging. We will cut all spending, and divert to metal work and homemaking to ensure the lower classes continue to know their place. Plus the added bonus of more mental trauma amongst the population will help to swell our vote.

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  5. Broadcasting.
    BBC1. Dads Army, Allo Allo and Colditz to be screened on rotation at peak viewing times.
    BBC 2. Increased nature programme content, any references to global warmimg and plastic removed. More focus on animals having fun and talking to each other, galvanised by the return of Animal Magic. Newsnight to be replaced with The World at War and Trumpton.
    BBC 3 and 4 to be disbanded.
    BBC radio programme content and schedulimg to be managed by Lord Mike Read of 275 and 285.

    The Department of Agriculture, bananas and Fishing.
    New increased fishing quotas and expansion of subsidies, tax breaks and knighthoods to fisherman, at least one portion of fish to be eaten everyday by every member of the population. Banana curvature dept to be established, monitoring compliance with new Uk banana bend requirements.

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  6. Environment-
    Obviously, wind farms are a blight on the countryside, and suffer greatly from intermittency. All will be scrapped to restore Merrie Albion to its rightful appearance as immortalized by John Constable.

    Political reform-
    The paltry energy Wind Farms produced will be quadrupled by generators installed in Britain’s only reliable source of wind: Westminster.
    All MPs and Lords will make up for years of subverting democratic processes via their insufferable debates, committees, votes and consultations. Have they not heard of JFDI?
    They will be required to forego their legislative rights once the Brexit Executive holds all the cards, but continue to pontificate in the house to generate the hot air and wind that will be essential to talking Britain up once the essential tanking of the economy has taken place due to Brexit.

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  7. Politics: everyone’s rightly fed-up with it these days, so we The Brexit party will stop doing it. We’ll also stop everyone else doing it by cancelling elections and news and things like that. They’re just a distraction to weekends at the country house and holidays in Europe.

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  8. Were think immigration is important for the UK, however, we only want highly skilled immigrants, for example, managerial and team leading types. We believe the low paying, soul destroying poverty producing employment should be for British citizens only. They voted for it and we will deliver it.”less aspire, more perspire”

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  9. Bathrooms

    Bathrooms have made this country soft and why Johnny Foreigner has taken over. Tin baths in front of an open fire once a week for adults, a fortnight for children and never for parasitic pensioners, that’s the British way. And a good loaf of honest Hovis to be used as a sponge.

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  10. Employment contracts have been forced on the UK by European rogues. All employment contracts will be absolved and all workers will be placed on zero hours contracts. Employment contracts, only hold this country back, it’s why we lost our mines and shipbuilding sectors.

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  11. Our great leader’s speeches will appear on every TV snd radio channel daily in the hour every hour. His picture is to be above every fire place and at school entrances. His initials NF show the values we stand for and all future policies will be geared to achieve the final vision: only men with orange hair and small hands can become politicians.

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    1. Gammon will be promoterated to replace caviar as posh nosh. Proper British Cars like the Morris Marina will be built and allowed to use the hard shoulder on Wednesday evenings or if going to Waitrose to buy British wine. The Channel Tunnel will have a strict no Johnny Foreigner policy and the British Bobby will be given a cape and a bone shaker bike. End of!

      We won’t need an NHS as it’s fact that all diseases are caused by Johnny Foreigner. We will jolly well enjoy the return of rickets and scurvy.

      Schools will be closed down as people are obviously very clever if they have voted Brexit innit. The money we once spent on education and healthcare will be given to Nigel who is better cleverer than the queen and shall be proclaimed head of state and all round nice chap, not Racist and man of the people.

      Elections will be scrapped, as once the Brexit party is in power, we shall all love to live in a little Englander paradise, we will just give the money wasted on elections to Nigel, for he’s a man of the people and definitely not racist.

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  12. Animal Welfare

    Fox hunting to become compulsory. The wearing of hunting pink, known as red to the lower classes, compulsory on Sundays and Bank Holidays.
    RSPCA to be disbanded, deemed unnecessary as animals are unable to vote or pay tax.
    Abbatoirs to be deregulated. See above.
    Horses are to be elevated to the peerage, ensuring a majority in the House of Lords.
    All dogs, excepting Labradors and other gundogs, must be called good old British names, like Rover and Spot. Gundogs should be called upper class names and nothing made up. Cockerpoos and Labradoodles etc will be deported as un British silly names.

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  13. The Party will issue passports. You must apply using your Party membership name which must be an apt anagram of your old name. Example: our leader’s Party name is F Lie Nag-Rage.

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