Are you an active DIY-er?
I love Home Improvement. It’s a beautiful thing to paint a door or build a cabinet and then look at it and think I did that. I built that. It’s a cabinet I built and it’s a beautiful cabinet.
Do you build anything else other than cabinets?
I’ll tell you the truth. I’ve never built a cabinet. I never said that. If you look at your notes. Fake news! Fake interviewer. You have sensational legs by the way and that isn’t sexist. It’s OK to tell someone they have good legs. If I told a giraffe it had good legs would that be sexist? Of course not. I have a cabinet. It’s a solid – it’s a teak cabinet which by the way also has sensational legs. Is that sexist? No. I have it and it goes everywhere with me. But I did not build the cabinet. I was given it by Steven Seagal – who by the way also has terrific legs. I can appreciate his sexuality even if I am not attracted to him just as I can a giraffe. When two powerful individuals who have made millions out of their respective careers meet – you can expect a sexual dynamic. Unless you’re an asexual of course. I can tell you that Steven Seagal is not. He’s so un-asexual. Terrific guy. Big personality. Huge star. Loves to build cabinets.
What is the biggest Home Improvement Project you’ve worked on recently?
I moved to the White House and you know the problem with the White House is that literally everything in it is white. White walls. White busts. Lovely white busts. I love white. White is under threat. Have you heard about “white genocide?” It’s a thing. But I believe in diversity as well. And there are all these curtains – drapes – very long and I kept tripping over them and I said to Steve Bannon who was my Strategist when I moved in – great guy Steve by the way – philanthropist and humanitarian but the best thing about him is he stands very straight. Beautiful posture. I said: “Steve what is all this white fabric? I keep tripping over it.” And he goes: “Muslin Mr President” and I said “I want a complete shutdown of muslin until we’ve decided whether it is safe..”
Who are your biggest design inspirations?
Melania is an incredible designer. She’s got an eye. Two eyes in fact. One on either side of her nose. Incredibly talented woman and my wife and she has two eyes. You don’t get much better than that. Although you’d never see that in the Washington Post by the way.
What is your favourite period in architecture?
Las Vegas. I don’t know what that period is exactly, but the architecture is incredible. Built by the Italians of course. A lot of people might say Roman architecture but when you’ve been to the Strip you can see immediately that the Italians are better. Good people. A great, great people. The Romans on the other hand were terrible at construction. I was in Scotland, where I have a lot of business and a lot of friends and I heard about this Hadrian’s wall on the border with England and so we drove down there and the way they had done it – just very disappointing and literally falling down. Whole sections missing. I said to the folks I was with: “that has to be the worst wall I ever saw.” When you’ve been in construction as long as I have you can tell instantly whether the quality is there. I said there and then: “one day I will build a better wall than this – and I will make Mexico pay for it.”
What is your favourite building?
A lot of people might expect me to say Trump Tower but actually it’s the home where I grew up. It was a modest place in Brooklyn. Just 9 bedrooms and a six acre garden but we made up for what we didn’t have by filling the place with love. Not love between family members which by the way is something which is illegal. I’m really rich now but back then we were just an ordinary rich family. We had books. We had a Bible. The Bible is the most special book of those books and I would often read the Bible. Great, great book. Fantastic read. You never hear the guys in the MSN talk up the Bible. Never hear about that on CNN.
Is there any Home Improvement skill you wish you had?
There was this one story. I think it’s by Genesis. Great writer Genesis – talented guy – should have written more. Anyway one of the stories is about the Tower of Babel. You know that story? These folks build a tower – I don’t know where – somewhere in the Mid-East I guess and God gets very angry. “Why have you built that Tower without my planning consent?” You know – and the little guys just get on with it – these downtrodden blue-collar people who just want a break and a job and to make a few bucks building a Tower. And you know what God does? He destroys it. Knocks it down and then makes everyone dumb and speak a load of languages. A lot of people ask me why I went into politics. Read Genesis and see. Great writer. Incredible guy. I want to help the little people build those towers and walls. And not have God knock them down. That’s my DIY philosophy.
Mr President – thank you.
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