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The former EDL leader on Right Said Fred, threaded eyebrows, mass uncontrolled immigration and the unexpected joys of DIY. As told to Otto English.
__1.__What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Eating out with my family. Steak and chips in a good British restaurant. Simple British food. Meat pies. Spaghetti Bolognese – stuff like that. Curries? Don’t like them. Not because I am a racist – which is a made up word by the way – I just don’t like food I can’t pronounce. And you can’t trust the waiters.
__2.__What is your greatest fear?
That one day I will buy a nice white sliced loaf and only discover afterwards that it was made in accordance with the teachings of Muhammed.
__3.__What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Perfectly comfortable with my height thank you.
__4.__What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Some of the most famous people in history – some of the best actors in the world aren’t six foot. You know that? Tom Cruise? Five foot five and a half.
__5.__When and where were you happiest?
In Spain night of the Brexit vote. I’m in the George and Dragon in Alicante and I turn to the barman and I’ve got tears in my eyes and I’m like: “Alejandro mate, we’ve finally got our country back.”
__6.__If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Nothing. Tom Cruise is doing just fine isn’t he? All the girls love Tom Cruise.
__7.__What do you consider your greatest achievement?
For years the leftist establishment tried and failed to bring me down. They charged me with hooliganism after I started that drunken brawl at a Luton game. They banged me up for 18 months when I done that mortgage fraud. They arrested me for that poppy demonstration on the roof of FIFA. They done me for headbutting another bloke at a rally against Muslims and they put me in the slammer for 10 months for trying to use a fake passport to enter America. But despite all the setbacks I’ve never stopped in my crusade to highlight the threat posed to this country by violent criminal gangs and extremists illegally entering this country on fake IDs and trying to undermine our way of life.
__5.__Which living person do you most admire?
Richard Fairbrass of Right Said Fred. Big star. Huge international following. Household name and he comes right out and opposes the EU despite death threats from the Lib Dems and that. We’re all big fans at mine.
__6.__What is your greatest extravagance?
Getting my eyebrows done. I go to this place in Luton and they thread them. I’m very proud of my eyebrows.
__7.__What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Big words and the so called luvvies who use them.
__8.__On what occasion do you lie?
When my kids ask if they will still be allowed to practice their Christian faith in five years without fear of reprisals from Sharia courts.
__9.__What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Winston Churchill? Five foot seven. Benito Mussolini? Five foot seven. Don’t have a problem with it at all.
__10.__Which person do you most admire?
Alexander the Great – five foot six. He conquered half the world didn’t he.
__11.__What is your current state of mind?
Nothing wrong with it. Let me give you an example. I was in the shops the other day with my kid and I’m getting some netting for my pond and this fella comes up to me and he says: “Can I help you sir?” And I’m like “yes mate. You can. You can help by standing up to the alt-left and the PC libtards. You can help by planting a Union Jack flag in your front garden in solidarity with our boys. You can help by making a stand against the lying MSM. You can help by reporting on the Muslim grooming gangs and educating yourself about the life of the Prophet Muhammed. Because otherwise you’re gonna wake up one day and your whole street is gonna be under Sharia law.” And he’s just staring at me and that and so I continue and I say: “You know what you are? You’re a dhimmi. Do you know what that even is? No. You don’t know because you ain’t read my book on it mate. I’ve written a book on it and you haven’t read it!” And he’s still standing staring at me all quiet and that and I’m going “Yeah? Come on then? What’s your response to that then?” And he goes: “I know quite a bit about Islam as a matter of fact on account of my parents coming from Pakistan and my being brought up a Muslim.” And I’m laughing now. I’m standing in the shop and I’m laughing in his face and I go: “You muppet. You fucking muppet. You think Pakistan is a race?
__12.__What is the quality you most like in a man?
You think Pakistan is a race? It’s not like England with ten thousand years of history. Pakistan was made up. Someone drew a line. It’s all there in my book that you haven’t read.”
__13.__What is the quality you most like in a woman?
And he goes: “England isn’t ten thousand years old. And anyway, someone’s drawn a line between England and Wales as well haven’t they. And Scotland. All countries are concoctions really aren’t they.” And that’s got me now. I’ve got this muppet trying to teach me…. ME.. the geography of my own country.
__14.__Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
How dare he do that with my kid looking on.
__15.__What or who is the greatest love of your life?
So I’m like: “Shall we take this into the car-park?” And he’s going: “I only wondered if you needed any help with the netting sir.” And he walks off. He’s gone and I’m left standing there looking like a muppet in front of my kid. And my son goes: “Are you alright Dad? Shall we forget it? Shall we go home?”
__20.__If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
And I’m out in the car-park now. Can’t even get my keys out. Shaking. With my son looking at me. With passers-by staring. And I can’t find my keys.
As told to Otto English – satirical content
Whatever accusations might be levelled at Boris, the Foreign Secretary has been entirely consistent (in one area at least) for some 30 years. He’s a practised and very accomplished liar.
1: In 1987 the 23 year old Oxford graduate managed, thanks to exceptional contacts, to secure a graduate trainee-ship at The Times. In May of the following year, in a report on the apparent discovery of Edward II’s Rosary Palace Johnson tenaciously secured an interview with his godfather, Oxford academic Dr. Colin Lucas, who was quoted as saying that Edward had there “enjoyed a reign of dissolution, with his catamite Piers Gaveston.” Unfortunately, Gaveston had been murdered 13 years before the foundations of the Palace had even been lain and Johnson had made the quote up. His god-father was unamused and Boris was summarily dismissed from the paper.
2: Undeterred, the ambitious young chap returned to his filofax and rang Max Hastings. Making up a quote and getting fired might normally scupper most young journalists ambitions, but not so Boris Johnson. He was immediately snapped up by The Daily Telegraph and in the spring of 1989 was dispatched to Brussels to start a long and inglorious stint in Brussels, fabricating stories about the Commission. Among the many lies spawned about the EU directly attributable to Boris Johnson are the popular myth that prawn cocktail crisps are outlawed by a directive and that meddling bureaucrats have sought to abolish London’s famed double-decker buses. Clearly proud of his fiction and very thoughtfully Mr Johnson listed his EU fibs in a 2002 Daily Telegraph article. His mountain of bullshit, born out of boredom, self promotion, a longstanding lack of interest in detail and an unwillingness to take the EU seriously contributed directly to the rise of UKIP and you could argue – Brexit itself.
3: In 1999 Conrad Black hired Johnson to be the Editor of The Spectator on the strict condition that he abandon all parliamentary aspirations. Having given a solemn oath that he would, Bojo promptly became the PPC in Michael Heseltine’s recently vacated safe seat and went on to be elected MP for Henley. Black, who was later to find infamy as a convicted fraudster, labelled Johnson “ineffably duplicitous” but let him remain in the Editor’s chair. Takes one to know one eh Conrad?
4: In 2004 news broke of an affair Johnson had been conducting with Spectator columnist Petronella Wyatt. In an article in that week’s Mail on Sunday Johnson dismissed the very suggestion of impropriety as “complete balderdash” and an “inverted pyramid of piffle.” Naturally it was all true and Bojo was promptly sacked from the front bench for being a liar. Boris made some jokes to fellow hacks, it was all a hilarious jape after all – his forgiving wife took him back and everyone moved on. In the meantime Petronella Wyatt had an abortion.
5: Having been selected to be the Conservative London Mayoral candidate in 2008 Boris had a problem. He was now one of the highest paid journalists on Fleet Street, taking home a very respectable £250k a year for a writing by numbers weekly column in The Telegraph. Unwilling to take a pay cut in order to represent one of the greatest cities on Earth, his campaign team were faced with a bit of a dilemma. Would Johnson be willing to donate a fifth of his Telegraph fee to local London charities, so that he didn’t look greedy to an overly fussy metropolitan electorate that looked down on such things? Johnson was reluctant but concurred and consequently won the election. Once in City Hall, Boris swiftly derided the quarter of a million pounds he was paid as “chicken feed” and set about forgetting to give all that money away. In her 2011 book “Just Boris” journalist Sonia Purnell wrote that the then Mayor had: “donated only a total of £20,000 over three years (compared to the £75,000 pledged).”
6: Boris anyway had his mind set on other things. Now he was the Mayor of London there were important matters to consider. Like failing to deliver on any of his election pledges. Yes he was jolly funny riding that zip-wire, but when it came to keeping promises – well that was another thing. Having given an undertaking to save 40 threatened ticket offices from closure – he shut the lot. Having promised to negotiate a “no strike deal” with Union bosses, he failed to meet them let alone get a deal. Having underlined that he would not cut fire stations and front line police numbers, he slashed both and that’s before he even got started on his “ersatz Routemaster”. One of the new Mayor’s key election vows had been to bring back the iconic design with rear open platforms and a chirpy Cockney conductor on every bus. As it turned out, no conductors were hired, doors were fitted and each individual seat on the new service cost about as much as a new BMW
7: Then, in 2014, having denied at least 17 times that he would return to the House of Commons while serving as Mayor of London, Boris Johnson sought selection for the safe seat of Uxbridge and in May 2015 returned to the green benches.
8: Now back in Parliament, Johnson set his eyes on the big prize – Number 10 – and having calculated that the best way to get his hands on the keys would be by backing Brexit and toppling his erstwhile chum David Cameron he did just that. Sure, he had just put the ink to a passionate argument in favour of Remain and was not simply on record but on film arguing for Turkey to join the Union, but what price consistency and integrity when the crown was within his grasp?
9: Having set down his Brexit marker, Boris was finally able to unleash the full extent of his duplicity and deceit. He gleefully endorsed the lie printed on the side of the bus but that was just the tip of the iceberg.
10: Not satisfied with having helped bring the country to its knees in support of a cause he never much believed in the first place, Johnson shuffled off to the Foreign Office wherein he could further diminish the UK’s global reputation by stumbling from one ill briefed embarrassment to another. But this ageing dingo’s hunger had not yet been fully satiated and clearly miffed that he still hadn’t been gifted the top prize, he loped back into town from the outback last week. Starved of publicity and running low on untruths – he couldn’t even be bothered to concoct a new one and fell back on the £350 million figure like an 80s teenage heart-throb knocking off a lame remix of his one Christmas hit. This time it seems, finally, to have backfired.
Will Boris bounce back? Probably. It seems that the British public in their innate gullibility are always happy to forgive a clown with a tussle of unruly hair and a vocabulary lifted from the novels of Anthony Buckeridge. That we are, says more about modern Britain than we perhaps might wish to acknowledge.