The Brexit Party Manifesto (sort of)

The Brexit party is leading the polls in the upcoming EU elections – but they don’t have a manifesto. So we’ve written one for them:

Brexit:

Leaving the EU is the easiest thing in the world. We simply leave and go on to WTO rules. Remoaning naysayers like Nick Clegg insist that a ‘great power’ like the UK can’t do that because we will wreck the economy, make ourselves an international pariah and be forced to live off tinned spam. To which we say “Yum!” And anyway – we won’t be eating spam. You will.

brexit spam
Yummy

WTO rules:

East Timor, Somalia and Western Sahara all trade solely under WTO rules and do absolutely fine. Nobody questions their ability to export sandalwood, hides and second hand AK47s into emerging markets. While Britain is obliged to engage with the EU, the biggest market in the world, on the most favourable terms of any country on Earth, Somalia is enjoying robust trade with Djibouti and parts of war torn Eritrea. Enough is enough frankly. We are leaving and we are going to take a slice of that trade with Djibouti whether Angela Merkel likes it or not.

Fishing:

The UK fishing industry contributes less GDP to our economy than Harrods and employs fewer people than Poundsaver so it is quite right that we sacrifice every other industry in the UK to ensure that a few fishermen can drive stocks to extinction. The reason is simple. Nigel likes fishing. It’s his hobby and moreover his favourite book as a child was ‘the ladybird book of fishermen’. Then there’s Jane Mummery, one of our prospective MEPs. Jane is managing director of Lowestoft fishing auctions and more fish means more business for her. Why should the UK have an automotive and aeronautical sector when Jane can’t make more money?

fisherman
Nigel’s favourite book

Sex education in schools:

A life sized inflatable of Ann Widdecombe, looking angry, to be placed in every classroom with a balloon coming out of her mouth saying “Stop that revolting nonsense right now!”

The NHS:

As our MEP candidate Annunziata Rees-Mogg puts it: “Nobody I know uses the NHS. If we can afford private healthcare on top of the school fees, servants’ wages, repairs on the roofs of our stately homes and all those skiing trips and safaris – then why can’t ordinary people who send their children to secondary moderns?”

5G network and superfast broadband:

Nigel doesn’t use the internet – he says: “Let’s shut this wasteful project down and return to the penny post instead.”

Immigration:

Immigration will be limited to the many foreign born girlfriends and wives of our leaders and financial backers. Evidence if ever it were needed that immigrants take on the very nastiest jobs that nobody else is prepared to do.

Defence:

The greatest risk facing this country comes not from Russia or an expansionist China – but the threat posed by the Belgian navy. They’ve been quiet far too long and as Richard Tice says: “those mussel guzzling ersatz Frenchmen are probably up to something”. For every ship the Belgian navy builds we intend to build two. The rest of it will be plagiarized from the letters page of Richard Tice’s favourite comic.

warlord
Defence policy

Homelessness:

Annunziata again: “Homelessness is a choice. If one has left university and can’t afford rents in Mayfair one should jolly well go home and slum it in one’s parents’ spare wing!”

Foreign Policy

Britain’s historic role has been to suck up to the United States of America. Why should we be leading the EU when we can be told what to do by Donald Trump? ‘The Donald’ as Nigel affectionately calls him – has promised us that we can have whatever trade deal America decides to give us, on terms dictated by them, at any time they so choose. If that’s not enough to get Nigel a job on the Fox Network then we really don’t know what is.

We want your suggestions:

Please add any further ideas in the comments below.

OBVIOUSLY SATIRE. No threatening emails please.

A small Act of Defiance: how I unleashed a ton of spam on Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party

Last Friday Nigel Farage announced that he had joined Catherine Blaiklock’s Brexit party. By the following morning our Nigel was gushing that ‘an astonishing 35,000 have registered as supporters in the first 48 hours.’ Thrilled hacks at The Express, Westmonster and Guido Fawkes leapt up and down at the happy news and trotted out predictable pieces about how Theresa May must be terrified and how there’d be a Brexit Party government by Christmas.

Unfortunately for them – nobody seemed to have noticed a bit of a flaw with the website which appears to have been created by an 8 year old with indifferent IT skills. If you click on the link you are taken to an ‘official website’ which consists of a very simple form inviting would-be members to add their name, email address and interest. Problem is – anybody can sign up multiple times and there are absolutely no checks on the process.

Now after half a decade of messing about I retired from the whole pranking thing when “Jake Rees-Mogg” got out of control – but this was just an open goal.

And so – using a series of frankly immature pseudonyms I signed myself up a couple of dozen times and applied to be a parliamentary candidate – before deciding that this was all too good to keep to myself. I alerted my followers and invited them to visit the website and make some of their own contributions.

Mayhem followed. I have no actual means of counting how many people have joined the Brexit party thanks to my efforts but “Ivana Bollocokov” “H. Hitler” “Donna Bigwun” and chums all assure me that they have signed up multiple times. And so have their mothers, cousins, friends and the random bloke at the bus stop.

brexit 1
Ophelia has applied to be a potential candidate

I can’t pretend I planned it. I didn’t. But it has turned into a wonderful, silly and witty British protest – though I was kept awake smiling last night at the thought of Ms. Blaicklock trying to work out if ‘Willie Stroker’ or ‘Jacob Rees-Mogg really had joined the party. I think there’s probably more mileage in it. So feel free to join up. You can sign up here

Stupid? Yes. Childish? Absolutely. But given that these people are engaged in the active destruction of the United Kingdom – wrecking their stupid website with a ton of spam feels like a small but necessary act of defiance.

brexit 2
Mueller time