Brexit: our part in your downfall – key referendum figures talk exclusively to The Prick.

David Cameron

People often come up to me and say: “Come on Dave, why don’t you go back into politics and sort everything out because it really is a bit of a mess since you retired. Now where am I driving you to today sir?” And I am obliged to tell them that the truth – is – simply that I have never been happier and much as I might be needed I have far too much to do. Whether tending to my lawn or giving the occasional after dinner speech or pottering about in the kitchen while I listen to the latest Mumford and Sons EP I am just too busy. The vote that took place on June 23rd 2016 is a very insignificant part of my time in office. In 50 or 60 years I doubt people will be looking back and talking about that very short bit of my premiership. I will be remembered as the PM who jogged, the one who reduced the deficit, who left the country a better place than when I came to power and who wanted us all to reach out to young men in hoods – and hug them. Tight.

jayda
Jayda at home

Jayda Fransen

It’s disgusting right because the Police have had it in for me and I was saying to Maurice that’s my Nan’s third husband that I can’t even walk down the road because I got the Police on my back and them people at Number 12 look through the curtains and I’m convinced they’re laughing at me because of that time I got off with Robert the guy at the whasisname the Burger King in Brent Cross and he dropped his chips and the ketchup gone all down my front and then that Sheena who worked at the Post Office before she had the twins laughed at me in Gossips Disco in St Albans and said I looked like I didn’t wash. *Breathes* And Brexit yeah they told us we would get all the immigrants out and that but they’re still coming across the sea and if you say that or shout at the Pakistanis down the kebab shop and call them all rapsists and child whatsisnames the Old Bill come round and they arrest you because its illegal now to be a racist. We should definitely not join the European Onion. Give the money to vets and other people what looks after animals.

Dominic Cummings

First we needed to get hold of Stronger In’s machine – but that was the simple part. Encrypting their message made it so fiendishly hard to fathom that nobody could understand it at all – including the Remainers on their own side. So along with Matthew Elliott and young Darren Grimes I built a machine – a decoding device that I named: “Take back Control” after a child with whom I had had a sensitive friendship at school. If you fed literally anything into this machine it came out with the same message: “Take back control!” It said. And that is how we won the war.

vote leave team
Cummings and the Vote Leave team in 2016 – Darren Grimes in jumper on the right

Jeremy Corbyn

It is quite wrong to say that I did nothing for the Remain campaign. I fought passionately for the country to stay in a Reformed European Union. On the 12th of June – on my way to a conference on solidarity with the persecuted leaders of Socialist Republics in Latin America – I appeared (much against my better judgement) at a house in Darlington and had a conversation with a woman on the doorstep of her home. During a lull in the photo op she asked me if she should vote in or out. I told her that it was her decision but that on the balance of probability, despite the EU being controlled by the vested interests of billionaire bankers who probably wanted to eat her, she should vote to stay in – because that was Labour policy. Although not one I necessarily agreed with. But she should do that. If she wanted. Free country. Wouldn’t have been my choice.

David Davis

I was delighted when the British people voted overwhelmingly to leave the rotten old EU. Unfortunately since then we’ve been let down by politicians. People say to me: “But David – you’re a politician and you were even Brexit Secretary for two years – so don’t you bear some responsibility?” To which the answer is “No” followed by a big hearty disdainful laugh. “But seriously!” These annoyingly persistent people continue: “You were quite literally the Brexit Secretary! You had forty years to come up with a plan……. Yack … yack … yack.” The key to a good negotiation strategy is: ‘knowing what you want.’ Failing that use distraction. Never fails – hold on ….. what’s that? Behind you!

protest
Sue left – at a major pro-Leave demo

Suzanne Evans

I never really wanted to go into politics. But I think I speak for most people around the world, when I say that I am very glad that I did. The UKIP manifesto of 2015 – which I wrote – is now considered a classic of the genre and the turning point in modern political history. The very model of what a great manifesto should be. My policy, which I came up with, of removing the Great Britain of United Kingdom from the European Union went on to make history. It was clear to me from a caravanning holiday in Normandy in 2003 that our relationship with the EU would never work out. Nobody could speak English properly and on one occasion – after I had momentarily forgotten to ‘drive on the right’ a Spanish man shouted “Cuidado!” at me very rudely, bringing back painful memories of the Falklands war which I had watched on the news in the early 1980s. Hundreds of countries are not in Europe. Japan does perfectly well. And Australia. And I don’t think it’s any coincidence that in both cases – they drive on the left and don’t speak Spanish. When the British people voted to leave the horrid European project in 2016 I like to think that a lot of them were teaching that nasty little Spanish man a much needed lesson. “Cuidado!” indeed. To me!

NOTE: Satirical content – as told to Otto English

The Sun’s Great British Brexit Fail

The next 48 hours see a series of crucial votes on Leaving the EU in the Commons and with the whole sorry disaster sitting on a knife edge, Tory Remain MPs have been urged to rally round the PM Theresa May to help destroy Britain (er…. help get our country back). With Brexit beginning to prove about as popular as a bad case of piles on a forced march to a Pyongyang labour camp, The Sun has today printed a front page that looks as if it has been knocked up by an intern who – crucially – failed the photo-shop module at GCSE.

The influence of the once powerful tabloid is waning and with circulation dwindling below 1.5 million the paper is struggling to remain top bully in the media playground.

What better way to assert itself and regain some of that lost influence than by chivvying MPs along with threats and some poorly cut a pasted images of all the things that have made Britain Great. Only you’d think that if you were going to produce a front page showing all the great British things that Britain has produced you’d pick one or two things that were actually…. well … British.

20180611_224518 (1)

1: Windsor Castle. The home of the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha family, currently headed by Queen Elizabeth II and her Greek-German immigrant husband, was built by William the Conqueror in the Norman motte-and-bailey style in the late 11th century. King William was a French Norman who spent most of his time in France and is buried in Caen.

2: The Mini. ‘Ah, the Mini! What could be more British than that? The Mini! An absolute classic’ ….. created by Greek engineer and immigrant Alec Issigonis. ‘Well what about the modern Mini? That’s lovely too, isn’t it…. the modern mini!’ A marque rescued by German manufacturers, owned by BMW and designed by an American – Frank Stephenson.

mini
The Mini – as British a Moussaka

3: The Shard. By Italian architect Renzo Piano, built by migrant labour and owned by the State of Qatar.

4: Fish and Chips. The Cod is fished outside of UK waters and the cost is set to rise, by as much as 18%, once we leave the EU. Potatoes originate in South America. We eat a lot of potatoes – far more than we can grow and import a huge amount from the EU which again will lead to price rises once tariffs kick in. The recipe for battered fish was brought to these shores by Sephardic Jews and it was a Jewish immigrant, Joseph Malin who opened the first fish and chip in London in 1860. Vinegar comes to us courtesy of the Babylonians. But the salt might be British.

fish and chips
Yum

5: The sheep chosen by The Sun intern are German black headed mutton. They could have chosen a nice British sheep I suppose – but they didn’t. They chose German black headed mutton. This woolly favourite was first brought to Britain in the 1850s from Saxony, just a few short decades before the arrival of Mr. Farage’s German great grandparents.

sheep
German black headed mutton

6: The Colossus at Thorpe Park. Constructed by Swiss manufacturers Intamin and designed by German engineer Werner Stengel as an adaptation of Monte Makaya in Brazil. What could be more British than that?

7: The Red Arrows. Motto: “Éclat” – French for excellence. The display team currently fly British built Hawk jets but those are set to be scrapped by BAE and future display teams will probably fly Italian or even Chinese aircraft.

8: Parliament. Our iconic Parliament building designed by one Augustus Pugin, the son of French refugees who fled France as a result of the Revolution. Now where does The Sun stand on war refugees I can’t remember?

9: The Angel of the North. Designed by arch Remoaner Anthony Gormley, the Angel was constructed with help from a £150,000 EU grant. Gormely himself threatened legal action against Vote Leave when they projected a logo onto the sculpture during the EU referendum campaign. Oh and Gormley is the son of German and Irish migrants.

10: Scotland gets a nod thanks to the Loch Ness Monster; a fictional dinosaur – much like Jacob Rees-Mogg. But that’s it. That’s how they view you Scotland; basically a novelty tea towel, somewhere north of the M25.

nessie
Jacob Rees-Mogg swimming

11: Talking of fossils – a huge coal powered station, is bizarrely included in this patchwork of madness. Answers on a postcard.

12: Routemaster bus. Finally something truly British. The Old Routemaster is a thing of beauty, which gave long service to the people of remoaning, Metropolitan London before being (largely) retired a decade ago. Its replacement, commissioned by Boris, is a costly, unnecessary, inefficient ersatz take on a classic original; the vehicle equivalent of those Nigella Lawson pots and pans which rust after one cycle in the dishwasher.

13: Stonehenge. Little is known of its actual purpose (a bit like Brexit) most historians agree that it was an elaborate and time consuming white elephant (a bit like Brexit). Or as Spinal Tap put it: ‘Nobody knows who they were, or what they were doing…..’ (you get the idea.)

14: This particular Spitfire is in the colours of the Royal Canadian Airforce. Squadron 402 ‘City of Winnipeg.’

15: The Sun newspaper. Owned by an Australian born, America based billionaire who once said that he was opposed to the EU for one simple reason: ‘When I go into Downing Street they do what I say; when I go to Brussels they take no notice.’

With the future of Brexit and Britain at stake, this non-British billionaire’s rag has sought once again to meddle in the affairs of our Parliament with dark threats and intimidation. This stupid front page with its stupid message is the latest salvo in a long and bitter fight on the battlefield of stupidity. My hope is that it does indeed have some effect on wavering Remainer MPs – and steels their nerves for the battle ahead.