With the annual ‘Easter Eggs don’t have Easter on them’ outrage upon us Theologian Professor Kelvin Patterson goes looking for chocolate eggs in the Bible and turns up some of the lesser known passages:
Leviticus 11 New International Version (NIV)
Patriotic and unpatriotic Easter eggs
The Old Testament is surprisingly expansive on the subject of Easter eggs with strict guidelines on the avoidance of halal chocolate.
49 The Lord said to Nigel, 2 “Say to the Britons: ‘Of all the eggs of chocolate on the shelves in Sainsbury’s, these are the ones you may eat: 3 You may eat any that has a hollow bit and that contains other chocolates therein. But make sure it is not a Muslam one – and specifically not halal – for I shall strike down any confectionary maker who doth do such a thing.
4 “‘Then there are the shapes to consider. There are some that are solid or are shaped like Fireman Sam, but you must not eat them for they are not actually eggs but chocolate moulded in the shape of children’s television characters and these are not festive. The Lindt bunny, though also shaped not like an egg is not a television character and is thus not unclean for you. 5 “‘The box itself should be made of five ells by four – not six by five nor three by two – for these are the ways of the Malteserites and Twixasees and anyone who eats these specific snacks will be unclean until evening and probably have a tummy ache for most of the rest of the day.”
Matthew 111 New International Version (NIV)
The Last Chocolate egg
The Gospels of the New Testament differ sharply on their interpretations of the Easter egg – with Mark making no mention of Mars or Rowntree while St John focuses almost entirely on the merits or otherwise of Flakes over Ripples. Matthew in stark contrast – puts chocolate eggs at the centre of the story.
20 When evening came, Jesus was reclining at the table with the Terry’s Chocolate orange and the twelve.21 And while they were eating, he said, “Truly I tell you, one of you has taken the whole orange in the centre while I wasn’t looking.”
22 They were very sad and began to say to him one after the other, “Surely you don’t mean me, Lord?”
23 Jesus replied, “The one who has dipped his hand into the packaging has betrayed me. 24 The Son of Man will move on to the Mini eggs now. But woe to that man who takes any more while I am not looking! It would be better for him if he had not been born.”
25 Then Judas, the one who had taken the fudge sticks as well, said, “Surely you don’t mean me, Rabbi?”
Jesus answered, “Yes and you did this last year as well. I let it go then but not this time. I also suspect you’ve been at my tins of Stella in the fridge and while I’ve got no proof of it my father who is all seeing probably did and I’ll be catching up with him later.”
And Judas left them and later they found that he’d taken most of the cheese crackers as well.
26 And while they were eating, Jesus took the last cream egg, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and got the gooey bit all over his hands, saying, “Has anyone got a tissue or possibly a hand wipe because it’s right in my finger nails.”
27 Then he took the free mug that had come with the dairy milk, for Judas hadn’t half inched that and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them, saying, “Drink from it, all of you. 28 But make sure you wipe the edges before you pass it because there’s a shocking cold doing the rounds.”
30 When they had sung a hymn, they went out to the Mount of Olives and Jesus told them all that England was literally the best country and that it did not need the failing EU project and that a time would come when lefties would try to ban Easter eggs and that but that the people who done this was all hated there (sic) country and that Nigel would fight for him even if nobody else would because he said it like what it was.”
And it was good.
Next week in Pin Prick Bible studies – Noah – the disco years.