Newsreader
We now go live to our Royal Correspondent Nicholas Freefall who is outside St Mary’s Hospital in Central London. Nicholas what can you tell us?
Nicholas
Yes the Palace have confirmed that Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, may or may not be currently inside the hospital and given that she is nine months pregnant the reason for that might have something to do with her baby. These are early stages but we can assume that if she is inside it is because she is probably going to go into labour in the next few hours, or days, or possibly a bit longer than that. Or has done already. And even if she isn’t here yet she soon will be.
Newsreader
Fascinating. And are there any indications yet as to the sex of the latest Royal?
Nicholas
Predictions currently are that the baby will most likely be a boy or a girl. If it is a boy there is an extremely high chance that he will be given the traditional title “Prince” whereas if the baby is a girl she will be known as “Princess”. We don’t know what the name of the baby will be at this point, but if it is a girl then we can reasonably assume that the baby will have a girl’s name, while if the child is a boy he will be called something male. I can also confirm exclusively that the baby will not be called George, Charlotte or Chardonnay. He or she will be the fifth in line to the throne and remain so until something changes at which point he or she will become the fourth or conversely back to being the fifth or down to the sixth. Or perhaps even the seventh. Or eighth – it really depends on how many other children members of the Royal Family have and who dies.
Newsreader
Fascinating stuff and do we have any suggestion as to what emotions the other members of the Royal Family have regarding this labour?
Nicholas
No. In the past Prince William has said that he would love to have a second little girl, but that he would be equally happy if he had another little boy. The Duchess herself has never commented openly on the topic, but one might reasonably assume that she will be happy with a boy or a girl. In time this child will undoubtedly go to school and then go on to do some Royal duties and perhaps in time marry and have children themselves with either a husband or a wife who may or may not have been born yet. If that happens he or she may themselves be back here in thirty or so years time, supported one hopes by her husband or conversely supporting his wife if he is a boy.
Newsreader
Unless the child turns out to be LBGT of course.
Nicholas
Well I don’t think there’s much chance of that. This is the Royal family after all.
Newsreader
And I can see some people behind you.
Nicholas
Yes perfectly ordinary British subjects have been camping out, awaiting the arrival for some months already. Many have abandoned good jobs, spouses and even their own children to be witness to this birth of the fifth in line to the throne. Sir, have you been waiting long?
Royal Super Fan
Oh yes I’ve been here since the last one. And I’ll probably wait around for the next one as well.
Nicholas
And what motivates you to do this?
Royal Super Fan
Well I think everyone should do it. We have this Royal family in Britain and they are very special. Unique. Envied across the world. And if you’re not here waiting for this baby then in my opinion, you know, you’re scum – and you hate our way of life and the sacrifice of them lads in both world wars. You should probably be put against a wall and well – not shot necessarily but certainly have your trousers pulled down. It’s the Muslims see. They can’t integrate.
Nicholas
Back to you in the studio Alistair.
Newsreader
In other news tens of thousands continue to die in the increasingly bitter civil war in Syria…..
Pin Prick 