Brexit expert and twitter user “Dave in Chingford” explains why Brexit will be “easiest thing in the world.”

Twitter user and self-professed “Brexit expert” Dave Fowler, 57, of Chingford in Essex explains how leaving the EU is the easiest thing in the world.

The EU Divorce Bill:

Problem:

The EU member states jointly pay for billions of pounds worth of infrastructure, social programs, scientific projects and pensions and salaries. The UK is committed to this and our share might run as high as £50 billion.

Dave says:

When my first wife discovered I was sleeping with her sister and her other sister and her cousin Nanette, I was so disgusted that she’d been checking my phone behind my back that I just left her. No discussion. No second chances. I was out of there. And next thing you know I’ve got the Child Support Agency on my back telling me I have to pay £200 a week for the kids and that and I told them where to shove it. Also – she always had the TV remote and I never watched what I wanted and so I stopped the payments and then I got put on a credit blacklist and we hadn’t had sex in years but did that matter? No. Theresa May should tell Juncker to go fuck ‘isself. He can send the bailiffs round – whatever – we’re not paying nothing. Get this Jean Claude son – bang on the door all you like mate: “WE’RE NOT ANSWERING.” Problem solved.

divorce

The rights of migrants.

Problem:

Around 3 million EU citizens live in the UK and a further million Britons live in EU countries. Freedom of movement will end officially in March 2019.

Dave says:

Good riddance. Can’t happen quickly enough if you ask me. I can’t just go and live in my neighbour’s house can I? I wouldn’t want to mind as he and I don’t get along on account of my Staffie, Muffin, biting him. Now Muffin is about the most docile dog you ever saw and he sees this fella in his garden and wants to play – and goes bouncing over – he’s naturally curious – but the fucka starts running and screaming and that and Muffin bites him on the leg. And this nonce calls the police. Nark. He’d know our ways if he could speak English. I mean he can speak English but he isn’t English. Pakistani fella. Or Greek. Never asked him to be honest. It’s all changed round here since I moved in three years ago – unrecognizable. Nobody asks their neighbours their names. You used to know them all – in my case it was my brother Andy – but he moved out. Then these Greeks come along. If he goes I’ll be glad to see the back of him. People say there’ll be a problem with all the English in Spain but I don’t see why that should be. Send them to Gibraltar. They can live in Gibraltar. Problem solved.

pitbull
Dave’s beloved dog “Muffin”

Trade and tariffs

Problem:

The EU is the largest free trade bloc on Earth with access to a huge tariff free market. The EU is our biggest trading partner accounting for 44% of all exports and 55% of imports. Crashing out of the EU could mean tariffs on UK exports of up to £6.5 billion a year while imported items could cost 22% more.

Dave says:

It’s easy. We fall back on WTO rules. I heard that on the radio. Everyone else trades with Europe don’t they – without any trouble. I mean America isn’t a part of the EU is it and they don’t seem to be doing too badly. When I left T mobile I got a contract on a pay as you go tariff and it worked out cheaper so I don’t know what the problem with tariffs is. Go to one of them price comparison websites. Problem solved.

Border Controls

Problem:

The UK shares a land border with The Republic of Ireland. Introduction of customs checks at Dover could create a bottle-neck with Tim Waggott, the head of the port of Dover, warning they faced a possible “Armageddon scenario.”

Dave says:

I live off the A1069 in Chingford and like any road it gets busy at different times of the day. If you go down there at 3 a.m. it’s empty. The solution to that Dover thing is to turn the docks into a 24 hour a day operation and not have everyone going at the same time. As for the Northern Ireland thing I’ve never been to Northern Ireland on the road and I don’t know anyone who has so what’s the problem? I’ll tell you the answer in five words. There isn’t one.

Dave’s final thought.

Nothing gets on my tits like media scum on MSM saying people like me don’t understand Brexit. For ninety years the UK was governed directly by the faceless Marxist unelected bureaucrats in Berlin. Nigel Farage got elected President on a promise of ending that and he now has. We have taken back control from the USSR and done it just like we done at Dunkirk – without a single drop of blood being spilt. My great uncle Barry was in the British army in the 1970s in Cyprus and his sacrifice for our todays and tomorrows cannot be forgotten – as I often tell him when we have a pint. Britain can be great again and it will be the envy of the world for escaping the clutches of a foreign power what has ruined our way of life. The EU will no more impose on us the transgender community’s demands for Sharia law in the work place and windfarms and that. God save the Queen.

windfarm

19 thoughts on “Brexit expert and twitter user “Dave in Chingford” explains why Brexit will be “easiest thing in the world.”

  1. Very amusing.

    The “Dave-in-Chingford” device is an especially wonderful way to express your bigotry through a third voice, without the obvious drawbacks of having to engage with any actual Brexiteers, or to solicit any of their actual opinions.

    And why bother, right? Actual Brexiteers are clearly all racist, poorly educated, parochial knuckle-draggers, who are just too small minded to properly appreciate the value of European Unification. According to your lecturer anyway…

    I look forward to future episodes of “Dave-in-Chingford”, including the classic, “Dave gets a neck tattoo” and my personal favourite, “How Dave lost the franchise.”

    Like

    1. Are you saying that we must edit ourselves and pretend that these ill informed people don’t exist? Or perhaps “satire” should only be deployed against people you think are wrong. Well here’s an idea. Satirise me. Satirise Remain. Go for it.

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  2. Oh please. Don’t flatter yourself with the appellation of satire. This is so derivative of every other “leavers are thick racists” commentary out there that there is not a single edge left to it.

    Apart from it actually only applying (even partially) to ~5% of leavers, the absolute lack of empathy you demonstrate to the “Daves” and the way their socioeconomic class has been disenfranchised -both by the hypocrisy of Labour champagne socialism and the Tory crony capitalism- is sickening.

    These are people that have fallen through the gaps in our society. In education, in work, in representation – these are people that we as a society have failed. To mock them for voting in protest against a status-quo that has failed them is simply crass.

    So no, you are not “close to home” – you just come off as another smug, condescending Rupert, talking down to people whose life experiences you are so far removed from those of your own as to be incomprehensible to you.

    Like

    1. A “Rupert” huh. So you think I’m posh. Right. You’re a Flexiteer I see Simon. The intellectual equivalent of a pound shop bargain bin. I’d be bothered by your opinion if I wasn’t so delighted at clearly having wound you up. I’ll put that down as a strike.

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    1. Well I’ve had the arguments so many times Simon. Brexit is stupid, wrong headed and completely unnecessary. You Flexiteers imagine yourselves to be the smarty pants of the movement but your ideas were never going to be the mainstream. As things stand this country is in a perilous position and everyone who has put us here from the “Daves” to the Borises to the Giselas and you deserve to be ridiculed. You have taken a wrecking ball to a great country and frankly you’re all a bloody shower

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  3. Who did you say was getting “wound up” again?
    Yes, I’ve heard the, “leaving the EEA would be a disaster, so we must stay in the EU” fallacy ad-nauseam. It’s the stock-in-trade of low-info trolls who fail to understand that the EEA is a trade agreement between the EU states and the NON-EU states of EFTA.
    Claiming Brexit is “unnecessary” however means you must take ownership of one two rather unpalatable positions:
    EITHER you’re the sort of boorish arse who thinks British exceptionalism gives you the right to sabotage European Unification by veto ad-infinitum,
    OR you’re the sort of boorish arse who, desirous of Les Etats Unis D’Europe, is fully prepared to lie and dissemble about what European Unification means, in order to force that minority position on the rest of us by stealth.
    Which is it?

    Like

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